It’s been a weird week for me. I weighed in at 79.5 again, despite all the carbs and sugar I’ve been eating. I guess I’m just not retaining water at this point. In any case, I’m still undereating by 500 calories less than my daily maintenance calories, and burning at least 6000 calories a week.

I’m happy with that number, as my weight really took time to stabilize this cycle after my period. Gone are the days where I had strong resolve and willpower, and could go double-digit stretches of days without carbs. I don’t know if it’s the climate, or just that my body has less fat to spare, but I find going on no carb stretches really affects my mood and energy level.

I’m feeling weird as I get closer to my goal. I guess I’m partly drained because I have to do about 1.5 times the work I was doing before to get the same results. It’s tiring… and given that I’ve already seen that I can maintain my weight quite easily, I’m just getting impatient and really just want to get to a point where I can coast… when a trip to the gym can end before I burn off 4-digit calories. *sigh*

On top of that… I guess when you’re at the beginning of the weight loss journey, you have no idea what your physical end result will be, how your body will look, etc. You’re very optimistic that the problem spots will take care of themselves, and that certain curves and endowments will remain preserved. When you’re on the tail end and you realize that some things just… ain’t what they used to be, it can be a bit discouraging. There’s no fooling yourself now… and there’s definitely no turning back.

On the exercise front, I’ve re-embraced the treadmill after 6 weeks of elliptical heaven. I’ve gotten to a point on the elliptical where I find it difficult to keep my heart rate consistent without feeling like I’m going all out. I’m glad to be back on the treadmill because I can just set a high incline, walk at 6k an hour and be pretty confident that I’m burning at 80% of my maximum heart rate.

I’m definitely thinking of getting a training to help me get rid of these last 10 kilos once I get to Korea. If anything, I figure it’ll be a way to revive my motivation for exercise and vary the workouts I’ve been doing at the gym.

On the mental front, I’ve started weighing myself multiple times a day. It’s a worry in the sense that I’ve started to make a habit out of doing that… but at the same time, I generally forget my weight 5 minutes after I check it, and it certainly doesn’t influence how I eat the rest of the day. I hope this doesn’t turn into a crazy compulsion of some kind in the future.

Ok… that’s it… I’m going to try and rest my tired body and mind.

Goodbyeeee

Anyway, now that I’ve cracked the 70s, my goal of 75kilos is so close I can see it! I hope to reach it by the end of November, as long as my move to Korea doesn’t unsettle me too much. I know I’ll have a week of orientation and ambiguity to contend with. I’ll just lay low on the carbs then.

I’m hoping to reach a final 70kg by the end of 2010, but given that week in November, and all the socializing and reintegrating I’ll be doing, I think 73kg is more realistic, unless I really give myself an ass kicking at the gym.

I’ve slowly begun to grow bored of my routine at my new gym. It’s so dirty, and the men kinda stare at me because I’m the only chick who lifts more than a 2 kilo dumbbell on a regular basis. On top of that, they tend to stare at themselves for a ridiculous amount of time in between sets, which really slows things down and pisses me off when I’m at the end of my circuit and know it’ll take me just 5 more minutes if they would just hurry the hell up.

Today I ran a kilometer on the treadmill at the end of my 60 minutes on the elliptical. I really went hard to day, keeping my HR up to about 150 or higher for the first hour, and then dropping to 135 for the last 10 minutes. My run was nice, not too bad… 100 calories in 7 minutes. Who could ask for more? I’d run more, but I think my flat feet would protest, so I’m going to stick to running a kilometer at least 3 times a week, just to mix things up.

In addition, next week I’m going to be brave and muster up the courage to no carb it for 6 days. I need a psychological boost… the kind that comes when your body isn’t hanging on to any extra water… I know I am growing impatient… but when you have been at this for 10 months, you just want things to be over already. I’m not going to say goodbye to exercise… the gratification I get from it is too good to give up… but I want to be at a point where I can have a 700 calorie day at the gym and be satisfied… none of these marathons of 1,600 calories on a regular basis… it’s tiring man… tiring!

As for the body, I swear, the last 10kg are going to come from my boobs. I never thought I’d be the kind of chick that would toy with the idea of plastic surgery… but I am seriously toying with the idea of surgery. I can’t stand how they are looking at the moment…. If I could wish for anything in the world right now (apart from world peace!), I’d wish to be able to spot reduce fat. These thighs will be my albatross till the end! It seems as if the only way for me to get rid of them completely is to knock my weight down below 70kg. Kinda nuts, and I don’t want to go that far. I have these size 10 jeans I bought sitting in my closet… I’d love to be able to wear them, but at this rate, het is niet mogelijk.

Ok, that’s enough lamenting and mental diarrhea for one post. I’ll be back next week, with good numbers, I hope!

As for why I’m feeling emo… well… to put it plainly, it’s become very aware to me that I really ruined my body. I really put myself on a path to self-destruction during my younger years… and I’ve realized, after losing all this weight and turning things around that some things are just not going to snap back. Some things are just lost.

Raisin boobs aside (ok lets’s call them prunes, they are still big), my arms are never going to be amazing. There’s still going to be a hang that I’m going to obsess over during my moments of weakness. My legs… well… I don’t mind things from the knee down… but my thighs, damn, my thighs! I feel bad about those things almost every time I put on a pair of jeans. I’ve made them rock hard, and done the best I can to shape them and my ass… but I can’t help but imagine what I would’ve looked like had I not taken on destructive eating habits as a kid.

As I become more confident, and daring with my wardrobe choices (tighter sweater vests!), a new set of insecurities washes over me. I’ve gone from ‘people are staring at me because I’m gigantic’, to ‘people are staring at me because they can tell I was once gigantic.’ Not fucking healthy, I know. I need to stop it. This shit honestly never ends.

I’ve been reading a lot about loose skin. Basically, it’s all about genetics and age. Now, I’m still relatively young… so my odds are better than if I had embarked on this journey at age 30… but genetics are where I worry. My mother’s stomach never bounced back after having my sister and I, and she’s kept herself in great shape. My sister, who has never been fat a day in her life  has stretch marks. I’m pretty much fucked as far as salvaging my skin goes. Most sites I’ve read tell people to wait about 6 months to a year to let their skin readjust to their new body size… I guess that’s what I’m going to do… that and down lots of lycopene and collagen in some form or other… and then officially revisit this issue in a year.

For now, all I can do is keep going hard at the gym, and being disciplined with food, and praying for a brain that isn’t completely crazy and permanently damaged by this process. I can feel myself  going a little nuts sometimes. Grabbing 11 almonds and then rushing to livestrong.com to record it. Is that really, really necessary? No, and I hope that I’ll naturally be less obsessive once I get to maintenance. On va voir.

Ok… now I’ve got to sleep. Why? Because I’ve got to go to the gym tomorrow.

To put it quite plainly, I’ve been having trouble crapping since I got to this damn country. Odd because I do the same amount of exercise, eat the same amount of food (with an emphasis on fibrous veggies), swallow garlic, and drink in excess of 3 litres of water a day very religiously. So two weeks ago, I decided to go herbal and do a colon cleanse, in the form of ‘Slimmy Weight-Reducing Tea’. Now, the fact that this tea is from China, and does not list its active ingredients in English kind of freaks me out a bit. I could be drinking some melamine-infused concoction. I try not to let my mind wander in that direction.

Anyway, the tea WORKS. It’s intense. Very intense, but by the end of it, you feel really cleaned out… the way I used to feel every day in Holland…. Anyway, after that, my weight dropped by a kilo. There must’ve been a lot of backed up sludge because I haven’t been regular since July. So two weeks ago I was around 84keys, and last week I was in the 83s, and today I weighed in at 82.3, and even after a day’s worth of eating and water drinking, I am still around 82.3. Kind of crazy. Today after the gym (no aircon, TONS OF SWEATING), I weighed in at 81.5. Crazy. Anyway, I’m going with my morning weight of 82.3

I also switched gyms, and since yesterday I’ve been going to a gym closer to my house. Not only is it closer, but it also has a wider range of cardio equipment, including ellipticals and a couple spin bikes. This is just what I needed, as I was getting bored at my former gym alternating between the treadmill and the recumbent bike.

My other gym was great in that the trainers there really expanded my repertoire in terms of muscle-building exercises. I triench, d a lot of new things… including flies, abs on an incline bench, walking lunges, and the cable machine. I love the cable machine! I feel like such a baller when I do reverse flies with it.

Anyway, I think switching it up will really have a positive effect on my weight loss. If things continue this well, by early October I should be seeing the back side of the 80s, a milestone I can’t wait to reach. I’m only 7 kilos away from my goal! The end is in sight! Actually, I feel like it’ll be in sight when I’m less than 5 kilos away, but anyway, the end of the tunnel will soon be seen. Woot.

The only downside to all of this is that while my hips have gone a bit, and my thighs as well, my stomach is still quite pudgy and my boobs continue to shrink! I’m trying not to let it affect my morale… but when you’ve been a bulging, pugnacious 38F-H for several years, it’s hard to say goodbye to the big boob status. Ok, I’m still like a 36F… which is still much huger than average… but it’s the downtrodden look I don’t like. The wrong bra or the wrong position can produce a very deflated and depressing look. The thought of a breast lift crosses my mind more and more. We’ll see how much money I make in 2011. Maybe it’ll be a possibility in the near future. The moral of the story is don’t let yourself become obese!

Ok on that happy note, I’m going to bed.

So I’m in Cambodia now. Weighed in today at 85.6. Not the first time I’ve gotten that number, had it about 10 days ago. I don’t know why it didn’t stick, considering that I’ve been watching what I eat like a hawk and exercising like crazy. It’s frustrating to think I virtually haven’t made any progress since June. Really frustrating. I took some time off in July owing to the fact that I was traveling, and in a situation where it would have been extremely difficult to continue my diet plan. So… I took off about 2 weeks. No exercise, no special eating.

When I weighed in on July 7, I was surprised to discover that my weight had not changed much. Just a couple of kilos. Once I started exercising again, the 2 kilos came off almost instantly, so part of that was certainly water weight. It’s great to know that I can eat what I want for at least a 2-week stretch and not gain any weight. I guess I’ve increased my BMR to a level much higher than it was in the past. Mind you, most days when I back-calculate how much I eat on a free day, I tend to naturally end up in the 1800-2200 calorie range with ease.

Anyway, these days I’m working a lot on weights, doing different parts of my body on different days, and doing about 1000 cals burn worth of cardio. I aim to hit 7000 kcals a week in burn, but I have been falling short by about 500 calories on average. I’m kind of bored at my new gym, as there is no elliptical, so I find myself running and biking much more than I would normally enjoy.

I’ve also noticed that I’ve been retaining mad water, so since yesterday I’ve been forcing myself to down 3 liters of water. It seems to be working, although it can be a pain when you realize it’s 10pm and you still have a lot of water to drink.

As much as this tropical weather is good for my skin, it hasn’t really been good for me. To put it plainly, my digestive system used to work like clockwork, with regular, healthy bowel movements every day, usually in the morning. Since I’ve been here, I’m lucky if I crap once in 48 hours. I dunno what’s causing it, I’m going to have to look into it.

As for the weight, if I don’t start dropping steadily by the end of the week, then next week I’m going to go back to the life of tuna, lettuce, and a max of 30g of carbs a day. It’s going to be suicide-inducing, but it has worked once, so it will work again (I hope!)

My goal was to be 75 kilos by the end of September, but given my terrible setback of an August, I’m shooting for 80 kilos in the next 30 days. I’m also going to re-read Lyle McDonald’s Rapid Fat Loss guide and see if I can handle his diet for a couple weeks.

Now for the good news. I measured myself today, for the first time since April, and I have lost a collective total of 14 inches. Here are the numbers, with the old ones as well for reference:

April 2010

bust – 42″/106.7cm

belly* – 36″/91.4cm

waist* – 42″/106.7cm

hip – 47″/119.4cm

thigh – 27″/68.6cm

arm – 13″/33cm

August 2010

bust – 40″/101.6cm

belly* – 33″/83.8cm

waist* – 37″/94cm

hip – 44″/111.8cm

thigh – 26″/66cm

arm – 13″/33cm

*According to livestrong.com, waist measurements are meant to be taken 1″ above the belly button… I call that my belly… because I still have a protuding one. I’ve taken an additional ‘waist’ measurement at the point right around where my jeans sit, simply because that’s the number that matters the most when I go shopping for pants.

Anyway, the number are good! I just wish there would be no loss on my bust, haha. I’ve suffered enough of that. Now, if the next 5 inches come off my thigh and hips, I will be the happiest girl in the world.

Anyway, that’s that. I’ll be back by the end of the week to post about my upcoming diet decisions, and whether any more weight comes off.

Wish me luck!

byeeee

After a high of 90kilos when I got back, I weighed in this morning at 88.7. I’m sure a lot of that 90 kilos was water retention from all the bread I ate in Germany, and all the vegetables I didn’t eat in Germany, because it came off pretty damn fast.

I’m sure by tomorrow I will be hovering around the 88 mark again, which gives me a week to lose a proper kilo, as opposed to a water one.

Last week, I decided to try running on the treadmill. I hadn’t even jogged since my first month at the gym, so I was curious to see what my stamina was like. I am pleased to report that it improved substantially! I was able to run for three 10 minute stretches at a 9.3 or a 9.5k/h, which is something that would have winded me 5 months ago. In between, I walked at 6-6.5k an hour. I did all this at a 3% incline, because at 0% for some reason I get the impression that I’m running downhill and I get paranoid about my knees.

Now, being flat-footed, I was expecting the usual ankle, arch or knee pain that comes with running for the first time in a long time. My body spared me all of that, but a new pain came along, which worried me. The second day after I ran, I started having some crazy aching pain around my groin… like where your leg bones meet your pelvic bone (can you tell I never did anatomy?). It wasn’t unbearable, just a dull ache that started up after I ran.

The pain would go away with an ibuprofen or after resting for the night, but as we were doing a lot of walking in Berlin, after about 7 or 8 hours of being out and about, it would start to ache again, like clockwork around the mid-afternoon.

On Saturday, I had to run to get a seat on a late-night train. It wasn’t long, maybe 50m, max. It didn’t wind me or anything, but after running that short distance, I started to ache again . This really sucks, to put it plainly, because I had planned to go running next week in France as a means to burn some calories since I wouldn’t have access to a gym. I was also hoping to be able to run along the Seine, something I’ve always dreamed of doing. I’m going to have to put my dreams of running around famous French landmarks on hold, I guess.

I’m going to bring my sneakers along anyway, and try running again. It’s really odd that at the point in my life when I’m most fit, I can’t run, even though I did it in the past when I was heavier to little or no consequence. Oh, the irony.

Anyway, I’ll check in tomorrow with the week’s numbers!

I felt terrible not counting calories today, and I feel all bloaty and gross after going through 5 days of not eating particularly well. Tomorrow I’m going to get back on track, and work hard to stay on track again. I don’t like feeling incredibly guilty after eating, and I don’t want to feel like vomiting because of a sugar rush. My brain enjoys indulgence too much and I really just need to fight it.

I guess these past few days have shown me that I am not invincible–I do fine in the real world, choosing healthy foods and what not when I feel like I am in control. These past few days with the party and our move have really thrown my emotions through a loop, and even though I am still gymming like mad, it wasn’t enough to counteract my feelings. I need to find better ways to deal with  uncertainty. Until then, I will keep weighing my food, and I need to get back to where I was before. I can do this.

I no longer see 85 kilos as a goal I can reach by June 28th, but if I work hard I know I can get down to 87 if my eating is alright. Next week in Germany will be quite a trial, but I will just watch my carbs as much as possible and refrain from sweets and hopefully the scale will reward me.

Ok, it’s time to go watch Drop Dead Diva now! Bye….

This weekend I slipped up in a big way. We had 2 parties at our house… parties = lots of food! What started as two days off eventually turned into four cake-filled days. Vanilla cake is my nemesis. Starting tomorrow, I need to get back on track. Normally, I wouldn’t hesitate to give myself a week off, but I’ll be going to Germany next week and two weeks after that, France. I won’t really be able to control my eating as much as I’d like, so the plan was to be strict now so I could ease up without guilt later.

It hasn’t been too bad–I’ve had my fair share of carbs, but I’ve also kept up my exercise so I haven’t actually gained anything… I just haven’t lost anything either. Hopefully if I smarten up the rest of this week, I should be hovering around the low 88 kilos by the time I leave for Berlin. We’ll see.

On a more positive note, I saw a lot of people this weekend that I haven’t seen in ages. Their reaction to my appearance was quite flattering. It was so nice to waltz around in a size 14 dress and still have some room left over. Size 12, here I come!

In other news, I’m counting down the days till the end of my gym membership with plenty of apprehension. I feel like I’m going to end up turning to running when I got to France, and before I get a membership in Cambodia… but still, I have a lot of positive associations with my gym. The helpful staff there and the unintimidating atmosphere definitely helped to foster my new outlook on exercise. I just hope I can find a gym similar to it in my next corner of the world.

On that note, it’s 2:35AM and I can think of nothing sweeter than sleep! x

Honestly, when I look back at the past 8 years, I’m surprised I still had a social life. Denial in a sense was a very powerful motivator for me. There were times when I really felt down or didn’t want to go somewhere or do something because I didn’t feel comfortable, and felt way too conspicuous, but my way of dealing with the situation wasn’t to ask myself why I was feeling that way, it was to barrel through the situation and force myself. Along the way, I really started to resent signs of weakness in myself and in other people, and I’m sure my weight has been part of the reason why.

Somewhere along the way, I became hypersensitive to certain words–fat, obese, overweight…. I actually actively avoided saying those words. Every time I heard those words being spoken, just knowing that those words described me was enough to make me wince inside, no matter what the context. I became hypersensitive whenever someone was making light of another person’s weight. I even remember feeling uncomfortable if The Biggest Loser was playing on TV while I was in the room. I felt like whoever had changed the TV to that channel was trying to send me a message. They probably just wanted to watch some reality TV, but that’s basically how it was–I was constantly on defense.

One situation that comes to mind happened when I was back in second year of university. We had to work on a marketing case about a plus-sized clothing store called Rubenesque. Being in the target market, there was a lot of insight I could offer, but I didn’t. My skinny counterparts didn’t have a clue what they were talking about in terms of sizing, or what criteria plus-sized women used to evaluate stores. I kept my mouth shut, again because offering my insight would mean admitting I was part of Rubenesque’s target market, which, in turn would’ve meant admitting I was F-A-T.

Now things are a bit different. I don’t have banned words in my vocabulary anymore. I refer to myself as fat and overweight–not in a self-deprecating way, but in conversation, should it come up, weight is no longer the elephant in the room (ha!). Now that I’m doing something about it, now that I know that I’m changing for the better, I don’t have the same burden attached to those words…. It honestly makes all the difference. Words should not have that much power over you, ever.